How it all got a bit PIAN(o)issimo

Okieeee.so guess what? I’m finally getting my piano YESH!!! Ok so this is my story… The first things I did with my life were sing and draw. I loved to do both like a lot but I guess maybe cuz if a little push I got in my life thanks to a certain incident, art seemed to take over my whole world. However, that didn’t mean there was zero music time. I loved jamming to all sorts of music honestly. As long as there was sound I was satisfied. When I was scared I played music, when I was in tears I’ll play music. It helps . But maybe I was oblivious to what it had given me all this while. I was ungrateful. I was in harmonica but I transferred to art club after so much fighting and same in secondary school where I got into band but fought for art. At that point I was kind of titling towards the band side but I managed to get art so why not ? Except I was wrong. The universe was screaming at me to chose music but I kept pushing it off. At first I saw it as “the universe doesn’t want u to go to music because you’ve always been art” but actually the universe chose music while I chose art. And honestly thinking that way helped me because I started to grow to love music so much that despite having painted for years, pressing a c major chord of the piano was the first time I’ve actually seen colours in 14 years. I’m scared to start from nothing. From a person who made it within the top 10 for art classes to the last person you’d think about when you hear the word music.

I used to compose music in my head through slight hums and write lyrics just as it came to me… If it rhymes it’s good… I thought but after a scaring period of my life I realised music let me pour out my emotions. And I’m trying to express myself more though it hence, am searching for a career in music. Ya I know that seems ridiculous for a person who knows no music theory whatsoever and has no musical background and the only song she knows how to play on the piano is twinkle twinkle little star right hand but I’ve never felt that my choice has been so right. I’m the kinda person who changes her interests all the time. The only thing I’ve stuck to for a year is art but the idea of becoming an artist faded within weeks. Writer,contemporary dancer,singer, film producer, artist, lawyer, engineer, architect, interior designer. I’ve wished to be possibly everything out there but I changed in less than a month and I’d usually do nothing to improve myself in the area of specialization. For example, even though I wanted to be a writer I didn’t read often nor did I write on a regular basis. But when it came to music, I urged myself to pick up a whole new instrument, but music guide books, put classical music on a playlist to sleep. Now a year of music cherishing and I’ve finally discovered I didn’t have to feel lost … The question “who am I. What is my purpose?” I believe the answer is music and I’ve finally discovered it after years of it waving at my face asking me to hold onto its grasp, after years of me running away never sparing a glance at something that is just a sound, I’ve figured it out. Personally, this is how the world is in my eyes.

Words are letters we were forced to understand.

paintings are pictures that tells a story in our minds.

dance is giving yourself to the beats as they ring through your veins

but music,

it is a continuous echo in your head

lyrics that weren’t meant to be said

a melody that without reason crumbles your heart, shattering it without moving a muscle.

You hear it with your ears but in leaves you with sweetness upon you tongue and warmth around your heart.

My eyes can’t stop seeing the flashes of colours that make a botanic garden seem colourless.

Without saying anything it lets it’s words hurt you so much but you can’t stop loving like a bitter sweet relationship. The sour taste never fades but never increases. Sometimes it seems like the sweetness to it may be so overwhelming. Maybe just maybe the taste that makes you grimace was never there at all.

This isn’t really one of my usual posts but I love music but I feel so afraid. Who am I to fight with those who started off years ago? Who am I compared to those who may love it more than me? What if I give up on music too? I’m not willing to lose such an important part of me. It’s hard changing people’s impression of me from and artist to a musician but it’s harder to convince myself that it’s ok to give myself to music because although my ability is as low as the ground itself it’s always gonna be there to catch me when I fall. I’m gonna try but is that alright? Is it really okay to love something so much… Gain so much from it unable to be good enough to give anything back ? I want to change and improve I want to be better than the me I was yesterday! I want to try. I know so many people are competing in the music industry and a person like me has no hope but being an obstacle and a burden bur I want to try regardless.

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